I’m glad to say there isn’t much more to say on the topic now – but what’s left to say is probably the most important things. Me and Toby had a long talk about the situation and the experience. His concerns were absolutely noble – I mean, there was a backlash against me and we both knew there would be. I didn’t expect that I’d be facing it without him saying something directly, but he wanted to avoid being specific in case that made things worse for me. In doing so, it made me feel more vulnerable and because I was becoming increasingly stressed, communicating that to Toby became ever harder.
There’s nobody to really blame in this, not Toby nor the community at large. The overflowing amount of compassion and kindness that people have shown in response to was something I was never prepared for. In the end, it came down to a breakdown in communication, I think, and the effort to prevent me coming under attack left me more vulnerable to it. I was afraid Toby was unwilling to protect me. I know he’s a decent person and what he did was out of compassion, not embarassment but fear is very, very powerful and with everything that had gone on in general, fear spoke ever louder til it became unbearable.
Please, do not view Toby harshly over this. He is a good dog. We all love goatmom, right? Like, the whole experience with the demo is what got me involved to begin with. Toriel tries to protect us from a dangerous world but its a world we’ve got to out into. Nobody is gonna judge Toriel for trying to do what she thought was best, right? She doesn’t want you getting hurt. And chances are, you’re gonna get hurt out there – god knows it took me a couple of goes to get through a couple of the bosses. Its a mistake but, you know, mistakes happen and it was compounded by my increasing inability to discuss it because of mental state. I don’t blame him for it and for what I’ve gone through, I forgive him for. I, too, am sorry for any hurt I have caused for him and anyone else involved. Y’all are good people and I genuinely consider it a privilege to have worked with you despite things. I’m sorry for putting you through the wringer.
Toby very kindly cleared things up as well in his own post for which I am eternally grateful for. He’s also personally put to rest the idea that I was outed by anyone, the idea of which seems like it was based on communication issues.
I’ve said all I need to on everything I think, unless Toby feels I’ve missed anything. I owe him a debt of gratitude for all this and I wish him all the best in every future endeavour.
Thank you, everyone, for bearing with me. I feel safe again and I can go back to loving Undertale whole heartedly again and close the book on all the stress I’ve felt. Please be kind to Toby and everyone.
honestly just really like undertale 